wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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