someone get that fucking seahorse.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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