dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
