I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
