woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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