Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pants are for mortals
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
