He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
