every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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