ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
