I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
