Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
