you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
