apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
