Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
