zippers are such a cool invention
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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