its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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