it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
