if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize