Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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