Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Randomize
