Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
