I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
