Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
