I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
