I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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