They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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