I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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