WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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