I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
