hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
