she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
