Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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