Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
