I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We're not piercing ourselves today.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
