she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
