do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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