I accidentally had phone sex last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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