So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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