When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
