I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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