I met the friendliest cop last night
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
