I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
