You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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