The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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