Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
