I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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