Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
