just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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