My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Terrible idea I love it
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
