what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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