I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
