Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize