I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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