umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
