So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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