I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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