Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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