I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
