I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
