he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
