NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
