I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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