I looked at my own cervix.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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